Skip to main content

About your Search

20131101
20131130
STATION
COM 71
LANGUAGE
English 71
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 1:00am PST
us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] but real quick off the top i don't know if you happened to be near a television set today -- [laughter] -- although clearly you are at one right now. that was a stupid opening, wasn't it? [laughter] but you might have heard the big news out of the senate. >> harry reid is poised to the launch the nuclear option. >> jon: noooo! no, harry don't -- there's still good in this world. [ laughter ] don't kill us all. [ laughter ] what is the nuclear option, by the way? >> the nuclear option means that it would only take 51 votes, a simple majority to get -- overcome this filibuster threat. [laughter] >> jon: oooooooh. [ laughter ] so deciding to allow majority rules to ings. ally -- incrementally increase government efishcy is so extreme it's the nuclear option. it's just like hero -- hiroshima of voting. how will mitch mcconnell counter? >> mr. president, i move to adurn the senate until 5:00 p.m. and ask for the yeas and nays. >> jon: hey, everybody is it just me or does it feel like quitin time? a-yeah, let's all head home a li
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2013 11:00pm PST
(bleep) (bleep). [ laughter ] >> jon: all right. well -- [laughter] i don't know what he was saying but it clearly looked ike outtakes from "tommy boy." this is where it's going. [laughter] terrible camera work, by the way. has it occurred to mayor rob ford that all these videos of him smoking crack and acting crazy are an indication that even his friends are going, no one is going to believe this (bleep). [ laughter ] and he is so like -- it's clear to me now that he smokes crack to calm himself. [ laughter ] >> it be a -- i don't want to stick my (bleep). >> jon: by the way politifact rated that last statement from the mayor true. [ laughter ] the nfl is full of mysteries like why do the players keep getting concussions and what is up with all the concussions and why do they keep developing brain damage later in life? i guess some mysteries aren't meant to he be solved but last week the curtain was pulled back on the miami dolphins locker room exposing the underbelly of rookie hazing. >> suspended richieage cog neato after allegations he may have bullied jonathan martin so bad he
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 7:30pm PST
)? and then we've got these 10 minutes to kill. ah, i don't know! the best part is how "60 minutes" found out the guy was lying. >> we diswoferred the account he-- discovered the account he gave the f.b.i. was different than what he told us. >> jon: what! ( laughter ) if you cannot trust an international mercenary existing in the netherworld twixt assassin and bount hurp, whose very livelihood is predicated on the morality to survive in failed nation-- who can you trust? ( laughter ) it's like finding out santa is real. ( laughter ) spoiler alert! but you know, "60 minutes" is not the only victim here. a certain linforth boregard graham will also pay a price for this man's inslance. you see, blant de gram, has been holding up presidential appointments based on this "60 minutes" report explaining that the f.b.i. reports will vindicate him. >> what the state department did not release is that he was interviewed by the f.b.i. on two separate wroaks he claims to have told the f.b.i. that he went to the compound and he found chris stevens' body at the hospital. this white house has a bad habit of
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 7:30pm PST
? >> are you racist? >> am i a racist? (laughter) >> jon: never ask a question you don't know the answer to. (laughter) the media they are just askinging they don't know. everything is happening, they are just passengers on this crazy bus called news. (laughter) >> fear not, for tonight we settle the investigationing questions with our brand-new segment, racist or not racist? jessica william, jason jones, aasif manned very. thank you for joining us. we are very excited about this segment. it's a beautiful segment, a big segment. >> okay, well, first of all that is one weak segment title. (laughter) >> jon: you have a better title. >> yeah, of course i do. >> jon: okay. >> welcome to straight trippers or we cool. >> jon: isn't that title racist. >> oh, yes, definitely, but not if i say it. >> jon: all right, let's go on to our first story if we k we will start this is an easy one if you want, easy one. >> halloween is over but its controversy surrounding a costume is continuing after a boy dressed as a member of the ku klux klan. >> jon: okay, remember we're starting fresh. panel wa, do you
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 7:30pm PST
of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember that press conference. [ laughter ] >> jon: actually that -- if i may, al, that never happened. >> yeah, but it could have. >> jon: all right. if we're looking for a comparison isn't obamacare most like bush's medicare part d program. it was a rollout, flawed a large change in our system but wound up being repaired around working well. >> that say stupid comparison, jon. medicare part d didn't murder anybody. >> jon: but obamacare didn't murder anybody either. >> yet. no one remembers that program. so many tasty terds and you pick the one the raspberry filling thank comparison is your stupid face do the stupid face dance, right? >> jon
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 7:30pm PST
help. and i don't mean help carrying a case of beer down into the basement so you can get drunk enough to smoke crack. i mean help help. let's just talk to toronto for a second. you can go. we want to smoke some crack. [laughter] all right. we're alone now. >> i heard that you met forth's- ford's approval ratings went up after it came out that he smoked crack. [laughter] do you know what that makes you as the city of toronto? enablers, ey. now let me ask you a question. are you waiting for this man to hit rock bottom. are you waiting for him to what text pictures of his [bleep] >> i'm going to say this, i don't know you, i don't live in your city. mayor ford's a lot of fun to ridicule. but my guess is not a lot of fun to all gize and that's where this thing's headed. now even though i will lose precious material, please go to rehab. [laughter] i lose jokes in the short term, of course. but my guess is it's a long term investment. [laughter] you'll be back. get some help. >> now here in the states we're still working out some of the fine print on our new healthcare system. right now the
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 7:30pm PST
, wah (bleep). [ laughter ] and yeah -- that's all i got. [ laughter ] you know what? i don't want to talk about this anymore. let's turn away from washington. let's turn towards the homefront. next thursday is a time to gather with family, to commemorate the feast that native americans prepared for a sphrugling pilgrim settlement, the day we refer to as thanksgiving, and the native americans refer to as an enormous mistake. [laughter] but eat quickly you need your strength. >> almost all the big stores opening earlier than ever. k-mart open agent 6:00 a.m. >> wal-mart, jc penney, big lots, kohls open on thanksgiving. >> jon: every store vinegar world open. dildo depot open, just ger bills, open. (bleep) a bear workshop? open. [cheers and applause] so if you are thinking i guess i have to shop all day but once the stores close i can go home and get a solid 15 minutes of thanksgiving in think again. >> k-mart opening from 41 hours straight. >> jon: do you have any idea what this sneens if someone tramples you for a furby thursday morning they don't find your body until friday night.
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2013 1:00am PDT
♪ jumping jolly till the end ♪ ♪ i wanna be your friend ♪ i wanna be your ♪ best friend i don't want you to be my girl ♪ ♪ i wanna be your - you want a ham sandwich? - yes! [harmonica music] - wonk, wonk. . >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> >> stewart: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, my guest tonight, mark fainaru-wada, he has written a book that has rocked the nfl about concussions, wrote it with his brother, fabulous book, happy halloween. >> like one month old, it is just lying there pooping its pants and age gering anyone who who it is not related to. well, yesterday the house energy and commerce committee held the much anticipated hearing, with kathleen sebelius, let's see her try to wiggle out of accountability for this mess. >> let me say directly to the americans you deserve better. i apologize. i am accountable to you for fixing these problems. >> stewart: that was weird. i wonder if her apology will in any way affect any certain grandstand
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2013 7:30pm PDT
to be just like the american people and enter the exchange and agree to find a way to do that. i don't care. >> it is illegal. >> stewart: did you hear her? it is illegal. doesn't stop him. well, breaking the law! i encourage you to join billions of, millions of americans who break the law every day. i was, impressive grandstanding, with delivered with panache, but let this missouri congressman tell you how not to take no hypothetical force a moment. >> if it is possible for you to go into the exchange, like all of these millions of americans that are going to the exchanges, will you commit to forego your government insurance plan you are on now and join us in the pool? >> sir, the way the law is written -- >> it is a yes or no. let's say you are wrong on that. yes or no, if you are wrong -- >> i don't want to -- >> stewart: madam secretary, ar, ar, a r, the let's say hypothetically, let's say the south won the war and you, you yourself have a terrible nut allergy would you join? >> let me try this. zero oh, let me finish! if americans spoke french and, would you then sign up for obamacar
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 1:00am PST
are in charge now. take this. don't let black friday be the end. >> get back inside. we have work to do. >> when we started this fight it was because we were tired of xbox people telling us playstation sucked. now we're an army of our own. >> i can't guarantee you will live, but i can guarantee before this is is over the winner of the console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us. our guests tonight shall we're excited about this from the hill aruous television program key and peele, we have keele and pee on the show tonight. chors plaus. >> jon: lucky was farsd, man, those dudes are funny. if you are anything like me, you can't digest milkment but also-- (laughter) you watch a lot of television news. and if you do you might have noticed the question that is increas
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 11:00pm PST
. obviously we don't have the audio of what kerry said to zarif. i'm pretty good lip reader. just going to -- that is john kerry and he is going, you, appointed you and then they go to him and he's like ahhhhh. i'm laughing because he pointed. [laughter] we really gotta get the audio for that. [ laughter ] looks like everybody is in a good mood. this say real deal, man, a done deal. >> it turned out that the deal could not be struck. secretary kerry left geneva empty handed. >> jon: i guess zarif don't like it. rocking the treaty. rocking the treaty. [ laughter ] i'm sure kerry didn't leave empty handed if his instagram is any indication. yeah. [ laughter ] mother (bleep) loves some mini bar! [laughter] what happened to the deal? what happened? >> secretary kerry says an interim deal on iran's nuclear program was extremely close but in the end the iranians walked away. >> jon: iranians walked away. son of a bitch. >> that didn't set well with the iranian counterpart who fired back a different version of events. >> jon: ruthroh? >> he pointed the finger firmly at the west. mr. secretary
Comedy Central
Nov 18, 2013 7:30pm PST
he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for dave wilson. >> jon: and here's dave wilson. (laughter) panel? >> racist. >> smart but racist. >> jon: jason jones. >> i'm going to go with creative. >> i think it's hilarious but it's totally racist. >> jon: okay right, big surprise there. >> excuse me? >> jon: you know, because-- you know, you are -- >> what? i'm what? >> jon: no, no because es -- >> what, what am i-- . >> jon: because he's not-- all i'm saying it would be nice if we could get some impartial judges in here. >> jon: let me just say this, no, no, no. you feel like you're not in a power position, i understand that. let's get some other judges in here. i think that might help. >> seriously that would
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 7:30pm PST
is that a good thing or a bad thing? [laughter] >> jon: and make it snappy, nerd! [laughter] we don't have all day. well, actually we do literally have all day 24 hours 7 days a week. but still good or bad! and wear a tie! [laughter] now watch wolf blitzer. take an analyst making a nuanced argument about the balance in this country between liberty and security. watch blitzer take this cat to j school. >> after 9/11 i think the american people gave the executive branch extraordinary leeway to sort of keep. >> is that good or sphwhad. >> think ultimately it's a good thing. >> jon: it's just not -- good or sphwhad can't believe this dude let himself get blitzed so quickly. let's michel bachman show you how it's done in the timely affordable care act. >> let's go through the points tell me if it's good or bad. is it good or bad that children can be on their parents health insurance policies until they reach 26. >> these are biftz done now. >> but that's part of obamacare s. that good or bad? -- is that good or bad? [laughter] >> jon: wuft want to make this clear -- just want to make this clear, th
Comedy Central
Nov 25, 2013 11:00pm PST
'm calling about the peridot earrings. - yes, ma'am! - they'd look good on your dead body. why don't you kill yourself? - all right. that's that. that there's the-- the straw that broke the camel's back. i got a gun right here. what do you think about that? - put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [gun clicks] [gunshot] [microphone feedback] from comedy central in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the show, my name is jon stewart. we have a nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2013 7:30pm PDT
ability scramble. brought to you by, i don't recall if i had been specifically briefed on whether or not this is butter. (laughter) and arbies. arbies, why not challenge your stomach to a fight. so post nsa revelation, the house intelligence committee hauled in our nation's spy chiefs yesterday. who came before the congressional committee hat in hand. >> this is a tough time for nsa where everybody says what are you doing or why are you doing. it is much more important for this country that we defend this nation and take the beating than it is to give up a program that would result in this nation being attacked. >> i'm sorry, did i say they came hat in hand. i meant middle fingers a blazing. yes, the intelligence community's altitude could best be desribed as are we done here? because i need to get back on that walk. you need me on that wall. you can't handle the truth. show me the money. you had me at hello. we ain't teaching radio, radio teaching us. that's not a noise, this is a noise, i'm not a stripper, i'm a dancer. said the director of the national security agency. but the
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 11:00pm PST
by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >> the web site will work much better on november 30th, december 1st than it worked certainly on october 1st. that's a pretty low barment by the time we look back on this next year the people are going to a this is working well. >> jon: let, let me be clear. when i said end of november, i did not say which november. (laughter) let me be clear about that. (cheers and applause) >> jon: all right. the president didn't just call all of us together to lower our expectations for the web site. >> there are going to be ups and downs during the course of my presidency. i think i said early on when i was running i am not a per income man and i will not be a perfect president. but i will wake up every single day working as hard as i can. (laughter) >> jon: that wasn't the slogan you campaigned on. i think when you campaigned you were a "yes
Comedy Central
Nov 21, 2013 1:00am PST
'm not trying-- - you don't. that's the answer. you don't. - i'm just trying to be the reality to your dementia. - i'm gonna have two stomachs! i'm gonna get another stomach. one for cherries and one for corn. - oh, my god. - that's right, sammy. i'm gonna go to couples therapy alone and just play both parts. - yeah. - i'm gonna go to the gynecologist and just ask questions till i get it. oh, and i got another question-- a few questions about how many different parts of your body you can make blink. 'cause i want to get my "earlids" done and then my foot pockets. foot pockets are this invention i've been thinking of... [hardcore metal music playing] where you can just put... your keys up by your ankles. then i'm gonna have a coaster put in my shoulder, so when i go to a bar, i can say, "you want a drink on me?" and then i'm just gonna be, like, a monster, and then for halloween, i'm gonna dress up like a normal human being. [cheers and applause] - thank you, everybody. you guys have-- you guys have been-- uh, you guys have been great tonight. and we just wanted to say thank you and say good-bye
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)